"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
