i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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