I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
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I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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