My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
