Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
