It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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