Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You're like the curious george of whores
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
