I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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