you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
