On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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