My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
