She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
