Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just invented taco cereal.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
