My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Drunk is not a location!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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