I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Hello my rib-scented angel!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
