Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
