My Higher Power is John Stamos
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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