id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Can I color on your dick again?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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