I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
