Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
