i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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