my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
