i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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