my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
