I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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