So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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