Whatcha textin bout Willis?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We are two peas in an std pod
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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