a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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