I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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