I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Randomize
