Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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