he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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