my phone needs a breathalizer
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
