I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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