All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
