...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
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even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
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you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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