if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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