so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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