i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
