The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
