I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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