I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
