I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
