I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
