The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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