I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
