Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
