I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
