dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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