Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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