Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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