I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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