You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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