My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
