Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
