Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
