yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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