When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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