i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Your cock deserves a montage
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
