i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
