so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
