It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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