Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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